The Apprenticeships

A young high school graduate, Simon, looks for a job and spies two choice apprenticeships for a devil and a grim reaper.

Both the Devil and Death are looking for someone to share the load and eventually takeover, so Simon applies for both.

Satan starts teaching Simon how to use a hot poker to brand and differentiate the bad people: Aetheists; Anglicans; Jews; Anglicans; Muslims; Anglicans; Lutherans; Anglicans; Catholics that eat meat on Fridays, Anglicans etc.

Death asks Simon to claim his first soul, but when Simon takes the wrong person, Death asks him to carry the psyche for a while.

Eventually, Simon is ready to become the 'Devil of Death', but there are some catches: There is no pay, Simon must now die; And it is too late to backout of the apprenticeship.

Simon is however given three options of how he would like to die: Falling from space to Earth; Being eaten by dogs; Or slowly dieing from incurable gonorrhoea.

Simon then asks, why the fuck would he want to do any of this? The Devil and Death then say in unison, "because when faced with an eternity of drudgery, being an evil prick is all you've got. Jinx!"