Uncle Awesome's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for a... louse!

Night Before Christmas

The stockings were hung by the stair with great care, in hopes St. Nicholas soon would be there.

Matilda and Ziggy were nestled in bed, as visions of Christmas danced in their head; while outside could be heard a great jingle of bell and a cheeky splash of: "Oh no, Santa, you fell!"...

Santa spluttered and scoffed with a loud yell: What in hell did you do fool, you pushed me in this here new pool.

Do you understand what you've done, you Bris-bumkin buffoon? I'm Saint bloody Nicholas, you bigfoot baboon! I am soaking wet and so pissed, that I'm putting you on my new Christmas shitlist. So what is your name?: Santa snorted, shaking his fist.

Uncle Awesome quickly retorted: To say my name, would cause me some blame, so only if you're taller than me, shall I surrender my name.

Santa and Awesome then stood back-to-back but Santa was shorter, even atop his toy sack. So with a sly grin, Santa lay on his back and started scoffing candy, like it was some crackles. Santa's belly began to balloon magically, until taller than Awesome it then became tragically.

With a belching Ho, Ho and some flatulent pain, Santa then exclaimed: Now what is your name?

Uncle Awesome responded: Wow! That was a slick trick. It is with shame, I now say my name is... Papa Nick. And so the name of poor Papa Nick, would ever top the list of those who are a naughty...! Poor Papa!

Santa was then in need of a spew, so Awesome left him to stew; and placed all the presents under the tree; then stole the sleigh and rode away.

Uncle Awesome could be heard skite, as he rode out of sight: Matilda was right! I am taller and Santa is smaller.

Ziggy and Matilda please beware, your uncle now knows when you're naughty and nice, or if you say Santa is taller not smaller. So be good for Awesome's sake, else he might rewrite another story.

The End.


PLEASE NOTE: This is a made-up story that Santa has personally vetted, edited and approved. Santa Claus is very happy and well, and is looking forward to visiting you. Although, he might this time wear swimmers!


P.S. Do you think Awesome might get a lump of coal for Christmas?

P.P.S. Would you help name Awesome's new album? It includes his favourite songs: Uncle Awesome is coming to town; Flatulent Night; and Awesome the red nosed uncle.

P.P.P.S. To ensure Papa Nick is not sad, would you call to let him know this was only a made-up story and that, despite himself, he's not really on Santa's naughty list?



The Night Before Christmas