Night Before Christmas

Night Before Christmas

I still remember the time Uncle Awesome came to town. 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, except for that louse!

The stockings were hung by the stair with great care, in hopes St. Nicholas soon would be there. Matilda and Ziggy were nestled in bed, as visions of Christmas danced in their head. While outside could be heard a jingle of bell and a great splash of: "Oh no, Santa you fell!"...

Santa spluttered and scoffed with a loud yell: Why in hell fool, did you push me in this pool? Do you know what you've done, you Bris-bumkin buffoon? I'm Saint bloody Nicholas, you Bris-boondock baboon! I'm wet and pissed so you're now top of my new Christmas shitlist. What is your name?: Santa snorted while shaking his fist.

Uncle Awesome retorted: To say my name, would cause me some blame, so only if you're taller than me shall I surrender my name.

Santa and uncle then stood back-to-back but Santa was shorter, even atop his toy sack. So with a sly grin, Santa lay on his back and started scoffing candy, like it was some crack. Santa's belly began to balloon magically, until taller than uncle it became tragically.

With a belching Ho, Ho and some flatulent pain, Santa then exclaimed: Now what is your name? Uncle responded: Wow! That was a slick trick. It is with shame, I must say my name is... Papa Nick. And so the name of poor Papa Nick forever tops the list of naughty pricks!

Santa was in need of a spew, so uncle left him to stew and placing all the presents under the tree, he stole the sleigh and rode away.

Uncle Awesome could be heard skite, as he rode out of sight: Matilda was right! I am taller and Santa is smaller. Ziggy and Matilda please beware, your uncle now knows when you're naughty and nice, or if you say Santa is taller not smaller. So be good for Awesome's sake, else I might rewrite you as boys in this story.

The End.


PLEASE NOTE: This is a made-up story that Santa has personally vetted, edited and approved. Santa is happy, well and is looking forward to visiting you. Although, he might wear swimmers!


P.S. Do you think Uncle Awesome should get a lump of coal for Christmas?

P.P.S. Would you help name Awesome's new album? It includes his favourite songs: Uncle Awesome is coming to town; Flatulent Night; Frosty the shit-faced snowman; and Awesome the red nosed uncle.

P.P.P.S. To ensure Papa Nick is not sad, please call to let him know this was only a story and that, despite himself, he's not really on Santa's shitlist.



The Night Before Christmas